STD

AK and I decided to talk online. It was his very first time. AK happens to be technologically handicapped. It's his fundamental lack of gizmo knowledge that brought us together. That story will be told another day. He is gay, highly dramatic, has a sharp, disgusting tongue and is in love with himself. Just a bit from our conversation:


AK: Bitch, just come online. Give me your ID.
ME: Give me yours. It's easier that way.
AK: Okay. It's c.o.lo.u einsteadofr purple
ME: (Pause) What?
AK: C.o.lo.u e instead of r purple.
ME: (Long silence) What? Why?
AK: I typed it in the dark.
ME: Okay.
AK: So what's happening in your boring life?
ME: Nothing much really. And you?
AK: You know what? Today I went to a doctor and I discovered I have an STD.So then I had to take tests and get all kinds of pills. Then I had to go to a Orthopediatrist for my back and he also gave me some pills. So sad na. Why am I getting all this?
ME: You're getting old.
AK: No. I'm just a diseased personality.

AK: Oh wow. What are these? Hee Hee Hee Hee. What is this dolly doing?
(bow)
 (emo)
 (u)
 (puke)
(hug)
(sun)
 (rain)

AK: They are so cute. Send me some na please.
ME: Oh my God. Here you go.
(flex)
(punch)
AK: Oh oh oh oh. Why are you hitting the poor dolly? Please please don't hit her
ME: Okay. Who the fuck is dolly?
AK: These dollies. They're so sweet.
(makeup)
Me: Oh my God. You mean the smilies?
AK: Whatever.

Me: I think I have a crush on my boss.
AK: Ohhhhhhhh.Same here. That always happens to me. I always have crushes on my boss.
        And my subordinates.
        And my juniors.
        And my customers.
        Ohhh. Just like you.

Government of Kalimpong

This happened about 4 years ago. I think I recounted this incident so many times that I had to force myself to forget about it, lest it lost its humour. This took place between my friend RM who'd come to stay with me for a while and my father. She belongs to a little town near Darjeeling called Kalimpong which is why she has typical north eastern features. Most ignorant people mistake her for being oriental and so a foreigner. Everything but Indian. 
A little bit about my father. My father is 61 years old with a mop of thick black hair (no, he doesn't colour them). He marvels at absolutely everything in this world. His reaction to most things are "WO" (for WOW). It could be something as mundane as a train. ( I didn't say that to rhyme. In London we were sitting in the tube when another one passed us with my father exclaiming "WOH" very promptly to break the silence. So anyway,this is how it went:

Father: "So RM, where are you from?"
RM: "Kalimpong".
Father: "Ohhh. WO. Kalimpong. Achha achha. What does your mother do?"
RM: " She works for the government"
Father (very matter of factly): "Oh ho ho. Very nice. Government of Kalimpong. "

Massage Parlour

Yesterday was one of those days in the train when I was sandwiched so badly between women that one could name a special after me in a subway joint. On my way back from work, I took the train during peak hour. BIG MISTAKE. However, it gets me home faster so I should be able to endure sweaty armpits, dry hair tickling my face, elbows digging into my chest and high heels grinding my feet for 35 minutes. Also, how can I forget the pure entertainment that women provide with their fights and absolutely original dialogues.
I have come to realize that traveling by train can be very therapeutic for  people. It's a platform for everyone to come de-stress and relax. I can almost imagine a flier much like those adorned by a compartment saying the following.
  "Had a bad day? Vent it out in the train. Your boss yelled at you? Make sure you take it out on someone in the train for best results! Will leave you refreshed,relaxed and at peace. Love life at it's worst? Take that frustration out right here! Grope all you want! Make sure you leave the other person gasping for some more fragrant sweaty armpits!"
Apart from the mental relief a train journey leaves you with, it also provides you with a great workout. Being pushed around almost like a tidal wave can literally do wonders for you.In fact, a woman in the train yesterday articulated my exact feelings.
She got in at a stop from one side and had to go to the other side for her stop which was just 2 stations away.Between the two doors are women clammed onto each other, gasping for breath and stuck in positions that could compete with a yoga aasana. This woman who we'll call "Loudspeaker" for she couldn't stop yelling at the top of her voice was annoying everyone with her constant commentary. Another woman who we'll call "Slow" was trying to get out of the very door where loudspeaker stood. She was stuck deep inside and had to get off at the next stop.In super fast Marathi and at a decibel that pierced through 70 eardrums, she yelled over about 30 heads:
Loudspeaker: "Arre Madam, where do you have to get off?"
Slow: "Next stop."
Loudspeaker: "And it struck you now?"
Slow: "Arre...how can I make it through this crowd"
Loudspeaker: "Well exactly why you should have thought of that earlier. Were you fast asleep. Move fast to make some space for us. My god. You are so slow. You'll have to dance your way through.
Another woman remarks quietly: "Oh this stupid woman just keeps shouting."
Loudspeaker: "Haaaan... Me shouting because Idiot woman standing only. My stop coming. Woman coming next year"
Slow gyrating violently:  "I'm trying..see na"
Loudspeaker: "Oh My god...are you going to massage everyone on your way over now?"

Pappiwaala shaadi

A few days ago, my colleague who I have discussed before in great detail shared a highly entertaining piece of his brothers experience with us at work. To begin with, an absolutely absurd act on his part astounded me. However, I got past that to understand the deeper meaning that is Life. For those who can't understand Hindi, I am sorry but I couldn't possibly translate this. The nuances of a language are far too beautiful and complex to be translated. For those who do, imagine this coming out of the mouth of  a 35 year old animated Bengali bachelor with an accent  which is a mixture of British/ Bengali/ Hyderabadi cultures. Also, please realize he related this with great earnest.
A started walking around the office with a pair of track pants and t-shirt, trying his best to get people to smell them for a reason I couldn't possibly decipher at that moment. For I could evidently see that he had been wearing that pair for Yoga everyday for as long as I could remember. He duck-walked over to me and shoved the pair under my nose to my utter disgust.
A: "Arre...soongh ke toh dekh...arre dekh na"
Me: "Nahin...chee...how disgusting..you wear this for Yoga everyday na"
A:" Haan..lekin kuch badboo nahin hai...dekh to sahi..try toh maar yaar"
Me : (Pretending to take a quick whiff) "Arre haan ... nahin hai"
A: "Haan...Main ek mahine se yeh pahanu hoon (to a crowd that had gathered to witness his obnoxious behaviour) ...mere paseene mein kucch badboo nahin hai..."
Me: "Arre..evaporate ho gaya hoga"
A: "Paagal ho gayi hai kya...paseena evaporate thodi na hota hai...mere paseene mein badboo nahin hai...thode logon mein kya badboo nikalta hai...bole toh ekdum khatarnak badboo hoti hai jo hila ke rakh deta hai sabko...Ek baar mere jo bhaiya hai...uska na shaadi hone wala tha. Aur bhaabhi aayi thi na joh...waah..kya bhabhi the yaar. Bole toh, itni khoobsurat thi..aisa laga bhaabhi nahin, meri biwi hone ka tha usko. Toh bhaiya aur bhaabhi picture dekhne gayen haan..aur bhaiya ne woh corner waali seat book ki thi. Toh picture dekte dekhte..woh dono kareeb aaye, aur bhaiya bhaabhi ko kiss karne gaya haan. Jaise woh uske nazdeek gaya toh bhaabhi ke munh se kya badboo nikli...badboo bole toh ekdum dhansoon type ki joh behosh karke rakh de kisi ko.Baap re, bhaiya bhaag gaya udhar se. "
Me: "So sad ya.....toh shaddi nahin huyi kya? "
A: "Aur nahin toh kya. Nahin huyi shaadi."
Me: "Shit ya. Bad breath ki wajah se toot gayi? That is so sad."
A: "So sad kya. Woh shaadi thodi na hai. Yeh toh bina pappiwaala shaddi hua."