Nirma

Another story about my colleague AR. Today as we were working with great focus on our individual projects, a colleague of ours K ventured into our area. She was wearing this cute dress over a pair of  jeans.

K happens to be on the healthier side. In our country, most ignorant fools simply call that "FAT". She stood behind AR  and began to behave like a little girl by spreading her dress and going round in circles. While she kept spinning, she sang the age old song from the Nirma advert which is embedded in the head of every Indian that grew up in the 90's.

For those who don't know, Nirma happens to be one of our very first detergents that came into the market years ago. It's just an inherent part of our culture. It was famous for its jingle and the spinning little girl in a white dress who became part of their identity. So, this is how it went.

K (singing like a little girl): "Nirma..Nirma...Nirma detergent tikiya, iske jhaaaaag ne jadoo kar diya"
AR: Bade pack waala. ( On a large pack, that is.)
 Then very meekly and discreetly he mumbles:
"K aur jhoot. Yeh dooni cheez kabhi nahin chupti." (K and lies are two things that just can't hide)

Glass girl

Soon after I arrived at work about half an hour ago, my colleague AR who sits next to me and is an absolute entertainer, let out one of his classic bizarre comments which had all of us in peals of laughter.YET AGAIN.

Tiny(as we fondly call her is a small framed, emaciated girl ) started troubling him by swinging his chair back and forth. AR was concentrating intensely on a project that he needs to turn in urgently. So, this is how it went.

AR: Aye Shaani ( smartie)
Tiny: Hee haa haa (still swinging his chair violently like an uncontrollable naughty child)
AR: Ayye Shaani, glass daloonga na toh andar hi padi rahegi poora din. (I'll put a glass over you na then you'll sit in there all day)
CHORUS: Ha ha ha ha hee hee hee ha ha ha.

Ghanta Singh

This happened about a year ago when my family moved to our new house which we live in now.
Our older place is about 15 minutes away and my father took rounds every single day for about a month to transfer stuff from one place to another. On one such day when we reached our new place by car, my father was trying to park the car outside the gate of the colony. Simultaneously, a man behind us in his car was trying  to do the same. He rolled down his window and gestured to my father to move on up to make some more space for him but my father politely pointed to him that there was no space.The man then muttered something and rolled up his window. What followed was something that was so bizarre that I was too embarrassed to relate this account to anyone for a long time after that. I have now fully recovered from the incident.
My father got out of the car and started mumbling something while sniffing violently and incessantly. I shall elaborate on that. About 25 odd years ago, my father had to undergo a surgery for his deviated septum which wasn't quite successful. The surgery left him with a unique side effect of sniffing. My father is perpetually sniffing. It's second to breathing for him and we have become so accustomed to it that we don't realize how that might sound to people otherwise. When he gets angry and has to make an attempt to suppress it while his blood is boiling inside him, his sniffing gets louder and faster and sounds very scary to the ones who know him. It's also often punctuated with deep Santa laughs which go "Ho Ho Ho". One can tell it's the lull before the storm. Except that it's not really that calm and more like a  "It's gonna blow, oooowowowow...Volcano" moment.
Anyway so back to where we were. At this point, my father was sniffing real loud and fast. This is when my senses began to pick up the clue of  something unpleasant having happened. Except that I couldn't quite understand what and why. All I could hear between loud sniffs was this one sentence which made me think " Did I just hear that?" So, this is what happened.
Man in car rolls up his window while muttering something. My dad and I get out of the car and I begin to walk ahead. My dad behind me starts sniffing like a matador and between several Ho Ho Hos mumbles " If I am Santa Singh then you are Ghanta Singh". I pause, think "Did I just hear that?" and retrace my steps. I ask my father what happened. My father refuses to answer and begins to walk ahead. I look back at the man in car with a confused expression on my face. He rolls down his window. equally confused and to the back of my fathers head genuinely exclaims  " Sir....I just said Okay, fantastic".
Go figure.

Break the spell

It's taken me a while to do this. I don't know why though. Maybe I do but there are too many answers to why. Some of which vaguely translate into the following:
1. I make many gigantic mountains out of A molehill.
2. The past few days have been a series of dreams. Slipping into dream after dream. Cyclic dreams.
3. I didn't know how to start. Where to start. What to say. How to say. So I foolishly gave up.
4. I chicken out at the drop of a hat. Abscond for a long time after that.(Oh  (Sigh)  A poet)

                                       BOO

STD

AK and I decided to talk online. It was his very first time. AK happens to be technologically handicapped. It's his fundamental lack of gizmo knowledge that brought us together. That story will be told another day. He is gay, highly dramatic, has a sharp, disgusting tongue and is in love with himself. Just a bit from our conversation:


AK: Bitch, just come online. Give me your ID.
ME: Give me yours. It's easier that way.
AK: Okay. It's c.o.lo.u einsteadofr purple
ME: (Pause) What?
AK: C.o.lo.u e instead of r purple.
ME: (Long silence) What? Why?
AK: I typed it in the dark.
ME: Okay.
AK: So what's happening in your boring life?
ME: Nothing much really. And you?
AK: You know what? Today I went to a doctor and I discovered I have an STD.So then I had to take tests and get all kinds of pills. Then I had to go to a Orthopediatrist for my back and he also gave me some pills. So sad na. Why am I getting all this?
ME: You're getting old.
AK: No. I'm just a diseased personality.

AK: Oh wow. What are these? Hee Hee Hee Hee. What is this dolly doing?
(bow)
 (emo)
 (u)
 (puke)
(hug)
(sun)
 (rain)

AK: They are so cute. Send me some na please.
ME: Oh my God. Here you go.
(flex)
(punch)
AK: Oh oh oh oh. Why are you hitting the poor dolly? Please please don't hit her
ME: Okay. Who the fuck is dolly?
AK: These dollies. They're so sweet.
(makeup)
Me: Oh my God. You mean the smilies?
AK: Whatever.

Me: I think I have a crush on my boss.
AK: Ohhhhhhhh.Same here. That always happens to me. I always have crushes on my boss.
        And my subordinates.
        And my juniors.
        And my customers.
        Ohhh. Just like you.

Government of Kalimpong

This happened about 4 years ago. I think I recounted this incident so many times that I had to force myself to forget about it, lest it lost its humour. This took place between my friend RM who'd come to stay with me for a while and my father. She belongs to a little town near Darjeeling called Kalimpong which is why she has typical north eastern features. Most ignorant people mistake her for being oriental and so a foreigner. Everything but Indian. 
A little bit about my father. My father is 61 years old with a mop of thick black hair (no, he doesn't colour them). He marvels at absolutely everything in this world. His reaction to most things are "WO" (for WOW). It could be something as mundane as a train. ( I didn't say that to rhyme. In London we were sitting in the tube when another one passed us with my father exclaiming "WOH" very promptly to break the silence. So anyway,this is how it went:

Father: "So RM, where are you from?"
RM: "Kalimpong".
Father: "Ohhh. WO. Kalimpong. Achha achha. What does your mother do?"
RM: " She works for the government"
Father (very matter of factly): "Oh ho ho. Very nice. Government of Kalimpong. "

Massage Parlour

Yesterday was one of those days in the train when I was sandwiched so badly between women that one could name a special after me in a subway joint. On my way back from work, I took the train during peak hour. BIG MISTAKE. However, it gets me home faster so I should be able to endure sweaty armpits, dry hair tickling my face, elbows digging into my chest and high heels grinding my feet for 35 minutes. Also, how can I forget the pure entertainment that women provide with their fights and absolutely original dialogues.
I have come to realize that traveling by train can be very therapeutic for  people. It's a platform for everyone to come de-stress and relax. I can almost imagine a flier much like those adorned by a compartment saying the following.
  "Had a bad day? Vent it out in the train. Your boss yelled at you? Make sure you take it out on someone in the train for best results! Will leave you refreshed,relaxed and at peace. Love life at it's worst? Take that frustration out right here! Grope all you want! Make sure you leave the other person gasping for some more fragrant sweaty armpits!"
Apart from the mental relief a train journey leaves you with, it also provides you with a great workout. Being pushed around almost like a tidal wave can literally do wonders for you.In fact, a woman in the train yesterday articulated my exact feelings.
She got in at a stop from one side and had to go to the other side for her stop which was just 2 stations away.Between the two doors are women clammed onto each other, gasping for breath and stuck in positions that could compete with a yoga aasana. This woman who we'll call "Loudspeaker" for she couldn't stop yelling at the top of her voice was annoying everyone with her constant commentary. Another woman who we'll call "Slow" was trying to get out of the very door where loudspeaker stood. She was stuck deep inside and had to get off at the next stop.In super fast Marathi and at a decibel that pierced through 70 eardrums, she yelled over about 30 heads:
Loudspeaker: "Arre Madam, where do you have to get off?"
Slow: "Next stop."
Loudspeaker: "And it struck you now?"
Slow: "Arre...how can I make it through this crowd"
Loudspeaker: "Well exactly why you should have thought of that earlier. Were you fast asleep. Move fast to make some space for us. My god. You are so slow. You'll have to dance your way through.
Another woman remarks quietly: "Oh this stupid woman just keeps shouting."
Loudspeaker: "Haaaan... Me shouting because Idiot woman standing only. My stop coming. Woman coming next year"
Slow gyrating violently:  "I'm trying..see na"
Loudspeaker: "Oh My god...are you going to massage everyone on your way over now?"